Answering Men's Common Questions About Anxiety

Hi, I'm Nathan Duell. I work with men every day, helping them understand and manage anxiety without necessarily turning to medication. One thing that comes up constantly is how much confusion and stigma still surrounds men's mental health. Many guys have questions but hesitate to ask, often because we're told we need to be tough, stoic, and just "handle it."

But anxiety is real, it's common, and ignoring it doesn't help. In fact, acknowledging it and learning how to navigate it is a sign of true strength. So, let's break down some of the most common questions I hear from men about anxiety. Consider this a safe space to get some clarity.

Question 1: "Isn't anxiety just stress? How do I know if it's a real problem?"

That's a great question, as stress and anxiety are definitely related, but they aren't quite the same. Think of stress as a response to a specific external pressure or demand – like a looming deadline or a difficult conversation. Usually, when the stressor is gone, the feeling of stress eases up.

Anxiety, on the other hand, can linger even when the initial stressor is gone, or it might pop up without a clear trigger. It often involves persistent, excessive worry that feels hard to control. While stress is often about external pressures, anxiety can feel more internal – a general sense of unease, dread, or apprehension about the future.

So, how do you know if it's becoming a problem? It's less about finding the perfect label and more about looking at the impact it's having on your life. Are you constantly worrying? Are you avoiding situations you used to handle? Are you experiencing physical symptoms like muscle tension, sleep problems, a racing heart, or stomach issues? Is it straining your relationships or affecting your work? If anxiety is consistently getting in the way of living the life you want, it's worth addressing.

Question 2: "I feel weak admitting I'm anxious. How do I get over that?"

This feeling is incredibly common, and it stems directly from those outdated societal messages about manhood. We're taught that showing vulnerability is weakness. But I challenge you to reframe that. Does it take more strength to ignore a problem and let it fester, or to face it head-on and find solutions? Facing uncomfortable feelings like anxiety takes immense courage.

Think about it: admitting something is wrong and seeking ways to improve your situation is proactive and strong. Sharing appropriately with people you trust doesn't diminish you; it builds deeper connections and allows others to support you. Part of overcoming this feeling involves consciously challenging that "weakness" narrative every time it pops into your head and reminding yourself that true strength lies in self-awareness and the willingness to grow. Coaching can be really helpful in building this self-acceptance and changing that internal script.

Question 3: "My partner/family tells me to 'just relax' or 'stop worrying.' How do I explain it's not that simple?"

Oh, the "just relax" comment – it's usually well-intentioned but can feel incredibly invalidating! It shows a misunderstanding of what anxiety feels like. If it were as simple as deciding to stop worrying, nobody would struggle with it.

Explaining it might involve finding a calm moment (not when you're actively anxious) to share your experience. You could say something like, "I know you mean well when you tell me to relax, but when I'm feeling anxious, it's more than just thoughts. My body reacts – my chest gets tight, my mind races, and I can't just switch it off. It feels overwhelming." Using analogies can sometimes help, like comparing it to telling someone with a migraine to "just stop having a headache." Helping them understand the physical and uncontrollable aspects of your experience can foster more empathy. Sometimes, improving this communication is something we work on directly in coaching.

Question 4: "What are some immediate things I can do when I feel an anxiety attack coming on?"

When you feel that surge of intense anxiety or panic, the goal is to ground yourself in the present moment and calm your nervous system. Here are a few practical, in-the-moment tools:

• Grounding Technique (5-4-3-2-1): Look around and name 5 things you can see, 4 things you can physically touch, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. This pulls your focus out of the internal spiral and into your external environment.

• Deep Breathing: Slow, deep breaths signal safety to your brain. Try the 4-7-8 method: Inhale quietly through your nose for 4 seconds, hold your breath gently for 7 seconds, and exhale slowly through your mouth for 8 seconds. Repeat several times.

• Temperature Change: Splashing cold water on your face or holding an ice cube can sometimes interrupt the panic response by triggering the "mammalian dive reflex," which slows the heart rate.

• Focused Attention: Pick a single object nearby and focus all your attention on it – its color, texture, shape.

Remember, these are like first aid for acute moments. The deeper work, often done through coaching, involves understanding what triggers these moments and building strategies to reduce their frequency and intensity over time.

Question 5: "Can anxiety really be managed without medication?"

Absolutely, for many men, it can be effectively managed without medication, or medication can be just one part of a broader strategy. Medication certainly has its place and can be very helpful or even necessary for some, but it's not the only path.

Non-medicinal approaches, like those used in coaching, focus on building sustainable skills. This includes understanding your personal anxiety triggers, learning to challenge and reframe the anxious thought patterns that fuel the fire, developing practical coping skills like mindfulness and breathing techniques, and making behavioral changes related to things like exercise, sleep, and setting boundaries. It's about equipping you with a toolkit you can use for life, empowering you to navigate anxiety proactively.

Question 6: "How is coaching different from therapy?"

This is an important distinction. Both coaching and therapy can be valuable, but they serve different primary functions. Therapy often involves delving into your past experiences to understand root causes, heal emotional wounds, and diagnose and treat mental health disorders like clinical depression or severe anxiety disorders. Therapists are licensed mental health professionals qualified to provide diagnoses.

Coaching, on the other hand, is generally more present and future-focused. It's action-oriented, helping you identify goals (like managing anxiety better), build specific skills, change behaviors, and overcome obstacles to achieve those goals. As a coach, I don't diagnose conditions, but I help you develop practical strategies and awareness to manage anxiety symptoms and use that energy more productively. For some, coaching is sufficient, while others might benefit from therapy, or even both concurrently.

Question 7: "I worry that focusing on my anxiety will just make it worse."

That's a valid concern. There's a difference between obsessively dwelling on anxiety, which can certainly amplify it, and constructively engaging with it, which is what we aim for in coaching. Ignoring anxiety doesn't make it disappear; it often allows it to grow stronger in the background, influencing your decisions and well-being without you even realizing it.

The goal isn't to magnify the anxiety but to turn towards it with curiosity. It’s about learning to observe it: What does it feel like? When does it show up? What thoughts accompany it? By understanding its patterns and signals, you can learn to respond skillfully rather than reactively. It’s like learning about an opponent to understand their moves, rather than just letting them control the game. Constructive awareness puts you back in the driver's seat.

Moving Forward

Anxiety is part of the human experience, but it doesn't have to dominate your life. Acknowledging it, understanding it, and learning how to work with it are key. Hopefully, answering these common questions provides some clarity and encouragement.

If you're ready to move beyond just coping and start building real resilience and confidence in the face of anxiety, that's what coaching is all about. I help men understand their anxiety not as a weakness, but as energy that can be understood and redirected towards growth.

You can learn more about my approach and how we might work together by visiting my website at nathanduell.com. Feel free to book a free discovery call to discuss your specific situation.

Remember, seeking support and taking steps to understand yourself better is a powerful move. Positive change is absolutely possible. Thank you for taking the time to read this.